Awake

“Most people don’t know there are angels whose only job it to make sure you don’t get too comfortable & fall asleep & miss your life.”

I ran across this quote from Brian Andreas this morning. It was in my Facebook memories. Apparently it spoke to me On This Day four years ago.

It spoke to me again today.

There are many ways we fall asleep and miss our lives. For me, it’s being “busy.” Or “tired.” Or having that one extra glass of wine to take the edge off. Or sitting on the sofa flipping through social media instead of engaging with the living, breathing people in the room with me. Or telling myself stories about what people are thinking and feeling or why they are acting a certain way instead of just being brave enough to ask them.

For a few weeks now – maybe longer – I’ve felt lost and drifting. Even in the middle of a satisfying work day, a happy school morning with the kids, a cozy night by the fire with my boyfriend. Nothing specifically wrong. Nothing I can name. Just an overwhelming sense that something is amiss.

My therapist once said, “Rebuilding trust is more about learning to trust yourself again and less about learning to trust someone else again. You’ve got to listen to your gut. It will tell you the right things, if you’ll only listen and trust.”

I’m not listening to what my gut is telling me – whatever that may be. I’m asleep. I’m too comfortable.

Thankfully, there’s an angel poking me so I won’t miss my life. She poked in the form of unsettling dreams that I spent most of the early morning hours trying to analyze. I’ve determined the final analysis isn’t important. It’s the process of sitting still, of thinking things through, of listening to my gut.

It’s Advent. The season of waiting and watching and listening. What better time to actively re-engage with the world around me? What might that look like?

Engaging in longer conversations with my children instead of the cursory daily recap? Reaching out to friends more often? Looking that harried cashier in the eyes and smiling when I’m at the check-out counter? Using social media less and seeking real human interaction more? Getting back on my yoga mat? Sitting in church? Moving through the world more slowly and deliberately? Ensuring my outsides reflect my insides by sharing my thoughts and feelings outloud?

Yes. To all of it. And more.

I’m awake. I’m not going to miss anything. I listen. I watch. I wait.